Coping With Your First Christmas After a Bereavement
Christmas can be hard when someone is missing. The music, the adverts and the empty chair at the table can bring everything back. If this is your first Christmas without someone you love, there is no right way to get through it. This guide shares some gentle, practical ideas.
Plan ahead, and give yourself permission
Bereavement charity Sue Ryder suggests planning for a Christmas you feel comfortable with and giving yourself permission to do what you want to do. A bereavement counsellor quoted in the Irish Examiner puts it another way: plan Christmas yourself, rather than letting other people plan it for you, and build your plans around what you know you can cope with.
- Decide what you want to keep, what you want to change and what you would rather skip.
- It is fine to say no to invitations, or to leave early.
- You do not need to do everything in the usual way. Traditions can be paused, changed or ended.
- Tell friends and family what would help, whether that is company, quiet or something in between.
Expect it to be hard, but not always in the way you think
Marie Curie notes that the festive season can be particularly hard after a bereavement, with an empty chair that everyone notices. Sue Ryder’s Assistant Director of Bereavement has said that the anticipation of Christmas can often be worse than the day itself. Grief can also arrive in waves, so you may have a laugh one minute and cry the next. All of this is normal.
Ways to remember them
Some people want their loved one to be part of the day, and others find that too painful. Both are fine. If you would like to include them, here are some gentle ideas.
- Light a candle at the table, or at a moment during the day.
- Hang a special decoration on the tree in their memory. Our personalised memorial Christmas ornament is one way to do this.
- Cook one of their favourite dishes, or play their favourite song.
- Ask everyone to share a favourite memory, or write one on a card and put it in a jar.
- Look at photographs together, or display a favourite picture.
- Raise a glass to them at the start of the meal.
- Write them a letter, or a journal entry, on Christmas Eve or Christmas morning. Our grief journal prompts may help you get started.
Look after yourself
- Keep to some kind of routine, with regular meals, fresh air and sleep where you can.
- Go easy on alcohol. Sue Ryder has information on how alcohol can affect grief.
- Be wary of comparing yourself to other people’s celebrations on social media.
- Choose a trusted person you can call if the day becomes too much.
Where to find support
You do not have to cope alone. Cruse Bereavement Support and Sue Ryder both offer support and advice for the festive period, and Marie Curie has practical suggestions from people who have been through it. If you are struggling to stay safe, you can call Samaritans free on 116 123, at any time. Your GP can also help.
If someone close to you is grieving
- Invite them, but make it easy to say no, and easy to leave.
- Say the person’s name. Most people would rather hear it than have it avoided.
- Send a simple card, such as “Thinking of you this Christmas”. Our guide to what to write in a Christmas card has ideas for a difficult year.
- Offer something practical: a meal, a lift or a phone call on the day.
Frequently asked questions
How do I get through the first Christmas after someone dies?
Plan the day around what you can cope with, tell people what you need and allow yourself to change or skip traditions. Include the person you have lost in a small way if that feels right.
Is it normal to dread Christmas after a bereavement?
Yes. Many people find the build-up harder than the day itself. Your feelings may change from hour to hour, and that is normal.
How can I include my loved one at Christmas?
You could light a candle, hang a memorial decoration, share a memory, cook their favourite food or raise a glass to them.
With love,
Anna
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